42 Years

“When we first got married, we used to argue. My wife is smarter now.” My father always loved telling this story when he traveled to different churches, just to watch the women’s initial reactions. “When we first got married, I said, ‘The first rule of this marriage is me, Tarzan, you, Jane.’ She said, ‘No, no, no!’ But after a while, she said, ‘It doesn’t matter, because Tarzan did whatever Jane wanted.’” So, he’d end his story with a final line, which always earned a round of applause: “Ladies, treat him like Tarzan, and he'll treat you like Jane.”

Today, my parents are celebrating 42 years of marriage. That’s quite a modern achievement, but even when I was in middle school or even elementary school, children found it remarkable that my parents had seven children all by the same two people. Even more remarkable was that we all managed to live peaceably together.

Ultimately, I give glory to God for that, but I have to grant much credit to my mother. She firmly believed in Ephesians 4:26. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Mom was determined to have peace in her home. Whatever gripes we had with each other, we weren’t allowed to carry them over into the next day. When we had an immediate conflict, my dad would sit down before us like King Solomon and issue a decree after hearing both sides of the matter. His mother often took the side of the most emotional party, so he was determined to handle disagreements as logically as possible. Justice and fairness were important to him.

My parents also made it a point to not argue in front of us. A few of my sisters will occasionally (and playfully) instigate, but my mom laughs and won’t take the bait. If we have a disagreement with Dad, she’ll allow us to speak our minds, but it gets shut down before anything gets too heated. If she needs to have a more serious conversation, she handles that in private, despite the fact all of us are grown. She respects us and my dad enough to have those boundaries.

You might say my dad lucked out with my mom, but I’d argue it was God-appointed. My dad doesn’t like to think of himself as being a fearful person, but he was definitely afraid of marriage. He had seen too many couples around him filled with dysfunction. After being in ministry for a while as a single man, he began mentally preparing himself for permanent singleness like Apostle Paul. But God had other plans.

My mom gave him a bit of a hard time since her mother and grandmother had already teased her about my dad. Then, her insecurities about being a pastor’s wife led her to doubt if she should accept my father’s proposal. Some of my father’s preacher friends didn’t think she was “first lady” material since she didn’t preach, lead worship, or do a host of other things. But she’s proved to be an invaluable partner. She allowed him to lead and put God first. And my dad never lost sight of the fact that our family was also a ministry that required time, dedication, laboring, and love.

When women in the church wrote my dad love letters, he’d hand them to my mother—unopened—and she’d still go to church and treat those women with more dignity than they deserved. In the summer, I interviewed my mom at our church and asked why she didn’t react negatively to them. Simply put, she wasn’t threatened. She knows my dad is faithful.

Usually, my parents would spend their anniversaries catching the latest sci-fi or action film and having dinner afterward. When he’s away on the mission field, Mom eagerly awaits his phone call. My sister, Katrina, remarks how she’s like a schoolgirl talking to her man, and she blushes profusely.

As masculine as my dad is, he’s the far more affectionate one of the two. When trolls come at me, they can’t break through the barrier of affirmations given to me by my father. But my mom shows affection in other ways. She is extraordinarily thoughtful. If one of her children mentions a need or expresses a desire for an item, there’s a good chance it will be tucked under the Christmas tree.

Barr family on Christmas Day 2022

I like to say my parents practiced something called Pro-Active Love. Before any of us were twinkles in their eyes, they both loved themselves enough to make good decisions that led to exceptional payoffs for us. They saved themselves for marriage and found partners who would work in sync to raise good children. I can’t say my life has been without struggles, but whatever struggles we faced as a family, they were mostly by external forces rather than internal division.

There’s so much more I could say about my parents and how they raised us, but I’ll leave you with this: the backbone of civilization is the family. If we build strong moral families, it will help lead to strong moral communities and a strong and moral nation. Be committed to making your family work. What you invest will be reaped. Don’t invest strife, confusion, and perversion. Invest loyalty, love, and virtue.