Be Kinder to Yourself

A few months ago, I was on a TikTok Live panel, discussing why abortion should be illegal. A “philosophy bro” claimed a fertilized egg had just as much value as skin cells, to which I disagreed. But I also made the point that skin cells are also valuable, and he dismissed my claim.

Ironically, that night I tried a skincare routine that burned the surface layer of my face. Earlier that day, my skin was irritated after putting on makeup for my livestream, so my sister suggested a few products. I wasn’t one for extensive skincare routines, so I thought when I began exfoliating with the first product, the burn was perhaps a “good” burn. It was not.

After spending time on Youtube and Google, I realized I had damaged my skin by not taking proper care of it. One of my major sins was falling asleep with my makeup on. It was difficult to sleep because my face stung so much; and when I woke up, the pain resumed. My sister and roommate said I didn’t look too bad, but it felt horrible. So, I announced online that I would take the week for “self-care” while I allowed myself to heal. At the very least, I hope I debunked the notion that skin cells aren’t valuable.

From then, I reflected deeper on something that had already occurred to me: I wasn’t treating my body well enough. There’s a lot I want to achieve, and I want to live long for my family. I want to get married one day, and I don’t want my weight to limit my fertility or create unnecessary problems if and when I give birth. I also want to be well and able to live and work for God. Traveling can be hard on the body, and I obviously wasn’t getting any younger. Of course, I had thought of all these things before, but with my 35th birthday around the corner, the urgency to make a change was more prominent.

At the end of March, while I was driving home with my sister, I told her that I was going to get serious about losing weight, and that included cutting out things like pop and fast food. Katrina was excited at the prospect of me cooking more at home, but her first question was, “How psycho are you about to be?”

I’ve been able to drop a lot of weight in the past. I once entered a 90-day competition for the chance to win ten grand, and I desperately needed the money at the time. After work, I lived at the gym. I worked my way up to being able to swim a mile, I spent time sweating in the sauna, used various equipment, and went to workout classes. I pushed myself entirely too hard and had a wake-up call after dozing off at a red light. Even after losing 60 pounds, I only pulled off a win at my local gym instead of nabbing the national prize. I was at a disadvantage because it was based on the percentage of body fat lost, and I had far more to lose than other female competitors. But I was so happy with the results, I didn’t feel horrible about not winning the cash.

But that was some years ago, and I slowly gained the weight back by becoming inactive and diving into my computer. I never had a gluttonous lifestyle, but the convenience of fast food eventually piled back on the pounds. My gym membership was also expensive, and I let it go.

This time, I planned for more realistic goals. If I became obsessed with dropping weight, my writing would take a complete backseat, and so would Black Tea News. I had to manage my time and make adjustments to my life that were sustainable, and not just short-term beneficial bursts.

After dropping Katrina off at work, I started walking for a couple of miles. I began meal-prepping and cooking at home. If I had to eat out, it was fast-casual meals with rice, meat, or maybe just a salad. I’m certain the man who works at the McDonald’s drive-thru has wondered what happened to his McChicken-and-a-small-fry girl. I also replaced pop and juice with water. A variety of flavor packets kept me sane. In moments when I wanted a creamy treat, I’d indulge in yogurt.

For two months, I kept up this routine. This morning, I peeked over in the closet at a dress I planned to wear, but then curiosity got the better of me when I passed a pair of jean capris that had been sitting in the corner for about a year. The tag was still on the pants. My mother bought them for me—perhaps for my last birthday—and I couldn’t fit them. I should have been able to. It was a size up from the pants my mother used to buy for me. I could squeeze into other jeans of the same size, but those jeans wouldn’t make the journey around the world, even with built-in stretch.

To my surprise, I buttoned up the pants and even had a little space to pull. Immediately, I was overwhelmed with emotion and cried in the corner of my room. It’s hard to know how much of an impact you’re making when you have such a long way to go. I pleasantly surprised myself. I was still crying to myself as I ironed my Dragon Ball tank top, but I managed to compose myself by the time Katrina came out of her shower. I peeked over to her door. “This is the first time I’ve worn these pants.”

“Aw. That’s a birthday gift to yourself.”

It certainly is.

So, as we age together, I want to encourage you to take the time to be kinder to your body. There are influencers who will claim you’re perfect the way you are, but I’ve seen too many plus-sized people make similar proclamations, and then drop their weight. Work was more important than dropping weight to Adele, for example, and now she’s thin and a superstar while many of us are still fat and unhealthy. Don’t trust the hype of the “body positivity” movement. You don’t know how much you’ll appreciate dropping weight until you actually do it.

You shouldn’t be cruel to yourself when you look in the mirror. You shouldn’t allow anyone else to take your joy because the ball is and always has been in your court. But it’s just easier to get around when you’re smaller. Whether you’re going to the theater, flying on an airplane, or sitting in a restaurant booth, life is easier when you’re smaller. There’s also a tremendous amount of pressure that morbid obesity places on the body.

To quote one of my favorite movies, “Take care of yourself. You and your body are going to be together a long time, be good to it.” We can’t live forever like the characters in Death Becomes Her, but I don’t want to be old and immobile due to weight or die much younger than I should.

Some people struggle with their weight. Some people struggle with unhealthy eating, despite being small. Some people struggle with alcohol, drugs, etc. Whatever bad habits and lifestyles you’ve created, you can reverse course.

I’m grateful that I’m giving this gift to myself, and I wish the same for others in need.